No Where Left To Go But Out Of My Mind.

(c) E.R.M. 8/7/06

I know, I haven't blogged since forever ago...not that anyone cares. But I'm just treating this like a real paper journal, so meh.

Uh, so I've had all kinds of things going on. C.H.O.I.C.E.S. meetings (the president can't come to the ceremony, by the way),website management, Kids on Campus, family health problems (including one death, one insane grandmother, and yet another grandpa with heart problems), company picnic from where my mom works, friend's issues, money situations ,cello choices, going into High School.

With that said, it is east to see why I had a panic attack last night when I was trying to sleep. This attack is the first one I've had since 6th grade and it lasted somewhere between 15-20 minutes. I have had a little bit of trouble sleeping lately. I've been having nightmares again every now and then...None of them to do with tornados or the Grim Reaper, actually.

I don't think that I am depressed, just really stressed out. I don't feel that I have the right be depressed when so many other people have it worse than me. I mean, I'm part of this big program that gets me prizes and a chance for better education and stuff, and at the company picnic I went to yesterday I won this a MP3 player. My parents don't fight like other people's, I don't need to rebel against anything like most other teens my age...Why do I feel so down, then?

One thing that's really been bothering me is the problems my friends have. Especially the situations of the friend that I've been taking with to these C.H.O.I.C.E.S. things so she'll get the same stuff. I wish there was something I could tell her to make at all better when she calls me. I wish there was something I could do for all of my friends to make them happy. But I can't. And for me, that is a problem, not being able to control these things.

But you know what, where's my shoulder to cry on when I want to give in? My friends and I can't lean on each other at the same time. We can't relate our troubles. We can help when one is feeling down, but not both at the same time. I'm gonna have to be one big tissue of a shoulder for the rest of my life, then. Fine.

No one is going to get in my face anymore and expect me not spit on them and walk away.

No one is going to make my friends or anyone around me for that matter feel inferior.

You can NOT control my feelings.

You can NOT control my thoughts.

You can NOT control my future.